Polyamory

Dave J. thought I should post this. And as I told him, I was a bit worked up at the time.

So I found myself thinking about yesterday and then discussing today, open relationships.
Can anyone handle it? Do they always go to hell? Does someone always get hurt?
Let's start with the last first.

It seems these days, these days of serial monogamy that someone always winds up getting hurt anyway. And if you are married, well the odds are about 1 in 3 that you are going to wind up getting hurt as well. What did you do to deserve that? You got married. So married or not is no guarantee that you are going to be safe.

Let's say that you aren't getting everything that you want out of your relationship. And that's a fairly safe bet, very few ever do and it would be unrealistic to expect that you would.
So why is it realistic to expect that we should only be attracted to or only want one lover? Of course you are going to be attracted to someone else. But are you going to act on it?
Things are getting a little stale in the sack. Time to spice things up? Do you think that's going to work? If you do, you have a very active imagination, and it might work for you. But what about your partner. Whether you've got the school marm or the cowboy outfit on, it's still you under there with your cellulite and false teeth or armpit hair or the mole over your eyebrow and where that was once charming, now it is... well it's you. And your partner might love you but it's hard to pretend you're the someone else that they are looking for right now. You still smell the same. And that's become... comforting. Not sexy.

So you've found someone else attractive.
And you think you might. You might hit it. You might throw a fuck into that... Now are you are you going to do it behind your current lover's back or are you going to lay it on the line?
You are both open-minded progressive people. You understand the preceding couple of paragraphs. You understand that, "a little bit of strange" once in a while, might be a good thing. Intellectually.

And you know that's what's sauce for the goosed is saucy for the gander.
Now here's where the sauce starts to get sticky. Especially if you find it on the hilt of a double-edged sword. Or double-ended.

Like it or no, we live in a culture where romantic love, the ideal of romantic love is reinforced constantly. And when we say romantic we mean monogamous. Pair bonding for life yo. TV ads for Viagra show happy couples, not pick-ups in bars/libraries/grocery stores/public washrooms. Movies, music, literature, very rarely do we see a celebration of the polyamorous relationship. And, from the time we are born, we are surrounded by these images. Not to mention "the folks". If there happen to be two of them chances are they're hetero and married. At least for the first couple of years. Romantic love. Here it is in a nutshell. If you love someone, truly love them, you are going to be with them forever. That's the current party line.

But we are also thinking beings and we realize, if we think about it, that romantic love is a construct. We probably have broader desires than those that fit into the current definition of romantic love. And if we have any empathy and we feel this way then we realize our partners are likely to feel the same. So how can we condemn, judge if they come to us and say, "I wanna get it on with the cashier from the grocery store. S/he is hot and I think s/he might have a thing for me."

The sword is out of the sheath now; don't grab the blade.
You are hurt by this. You should be enough. But logically, we just agreed on this, you can't be. And you know this intellectually but there's a kid inside, emotionally, who grew up in a great family with two loving parents... OK, maybe not, but still the kid watched the TV, the movies, read the books, listened to the music, got the picture... And this kid sees it as "just me and you, kid".

What do you do? Do stand up and be the adult that you are and give your support? And trust that the faith that you are showing in your partner and your understanding will protect you both from the harm, the worm in the apple that you just found half of?

Or do you put your foot down and say, "No! No fuckin' way! What the fuck do you think I am?! Some sort of... etc.etc.". Here you take the chance that they are going to go ahead and do what they want to do anyway. And you might never know. Or you might find out in a year when they clean out the Bank account and fly off to Aruba. Or you might suspect, and that's going to eat you up. Or you can just watch them get bitter. You can go see a councillor together. Because we all know that that works.

Nope. You are the bigger human being. You lay a few ground rules... "No getting serious. They can't stay overnight."... that sort of thing. And you say go for it. Here's where your self-esteem, trust and whatever other mojo comes into play. You imagine them together. It eats you up. Or you get your partner to tell you all about it. And it turns you on. And eats you up. Or you feel it makes your relationship stronger. They keep coming back. You've had flings in the past, you know they don't really mean anything. It all seems to be working fine.

Where is the other half of the worm? Where is the other edge of the sword?

Well, your partner grew up around the same time you did. And they have both: the understanding of the romantic love that you have, and the intellectual ability to see beyond it into something bigger. Empathy, they have empathy, too.

The kicker? You just gave them permission to live their life the way they want to, to explore and grow and love and, and... Well that's great. Really, really great. And so understanding and human really.

But you just, let, them, go. And in the world of pair bonding and romantic love, you are supposed to protect, even if it's from themselves, you are supposed to fight. So doesn't it mean that you don't love them as much as they thought you did if you just let them walk away like that? By trying to love them more, you love them less. Go figure.

And this.
Give them an inch?
They'll take a fucking mile.